Is This it?

Lately, I continue to try to be at a good place with an issue in my life.  Whether it be browsing around Facebook, or reading our alumni book, I continue to wonder if I should have taken a different path in my life.  I think we all at some point wonder what it would have been like if we made different choices; should I have worked harder in high school so I could have gone to a better college, should I moved out of San Jose instead of staying here for school, because I am an Italian baby who can't leave her parents, should have not spent my twenties partying in bars instead of interning at some great company learning how to be the best in my field.  Don't get me wrong, I love my life.  Well, this week, I don't.  I am PMS'd, no one is helping me clean, my husband thought he was going to get laid off, I live in small house in boring San Jose...need I go on?  I hear of people who are writing books, living in NYC, traveling with their kids to Europe for work for 3 yrs and I am wondering if this is it for me?  I feel just like I  stepped into my mothers life sometimes.   Going to the same charity events, year after year.  Trying to get my daughter into the same grammar school I went to, so I too can work the Antique  Show, play room mom, yard duty and host sleepovers.   All I ever wanted as a child was to have her life---Be careful what you wish for I always say, cause you just might get it.  

I am 36 almost 37.  I told myself I would be much further than this by now.  But I can't seem to figure out what stops me from pursuing my dreams.  I always wanted to write, so I started years ago, writing, and writing and writing.  Never developed into anything and I don't know why.  Sometimes I come across my notebooks and I ask myself why I stopped.  I never have a good answer.  I think I sell my talents short.  I guess maybe it is because I don't believe in myself.  Why?  Do you?  I feel like sometimes I sleep walk through my days just doing my routine.  I am growing tired of it all.  There has to be something more than this.   I want my children to be proud of me.  Right now, I am not sure they will be.  I want them to learn how to be a strong woman.  I am always preaching it, but am I really strong?  I am frustrated this week.  I have been trying to read 3 books for the last year.  I am 1/3 done with each of them.  Why can't I ever finish what I start?   I am everything for everyone else but me....but I don't know how to be everything for me.  You lose yourself in your family sometimes as a mother and wife.   I think right now I am lost and I need to find myself again.  Until next time.